When and where? premieres April 15, 10 p.m., on Discovery Channel
Who should watch this program? insomniacs, Ron Popeil
So how is it? Got a Flowbee? A Magic Bullet? How about a George Foreman Grill? Whether you thank or blame TV infomercials for encouraging America's addiction to consumption, there's no denying we can't stop dialing 800 numbers to purchase the latest and greatest must-have-item-I-never-even-thought-about-until-I-saw-this-ad. But wait! There's more! Discovery Channel has turned these late-night, sitcom-sized commercials into a documentary series cum reality show, with ubiquitous infomercialmen Billy Mays and Anthony Sullivan on a quest to wrangle the next great invention. Despite their polished TV personas, these two squabble on set like mismatched frat brothers, whose frustration with each other is tempered both by mutual respect and all the cash they know their infomercials are about to make. At first glance, Pitchmen might seem like just another behind-the-scenes production peek, but there's a truth behind the madness: selling this crap is hard work. Even if it's only for three easy payments of $19.95!
When and where? premieres July 11, 10 p.m., on TLC
Who should watch this program? voyeurs, fashionistas
So how is it? Ashley Paige's quick success as a bikini designer eventually led to financial failure due to her lack of business sense (hey, her mom said it, not me), and that is where this series begins. The drama of Ashley Paige: Bikini or Bust initially spins on Ashley's acceptance of a sudden invitation to debut her new line at L.A. Fashion Week -- with no money, no models, and no bikinis. Her staff pitches in to make it happen, despite Ashley's frequent mental meltdowns. Her bipolar personality and kooky rituals -- daily morning tarot cards, inspirational seances -- make her come off as something of a weirdo, but Ashley's designs are cute and her models are hot. How you doin'?
When and where? premieres April 16, 10 p.m., on TV Land
Who should watch this program? Flock of Seagulls groupies, mocking teenagers
So how is it? TV Land, the nostalgia network for television babies like me, explores the lives of people about to turn 40 in its new series The Big 4-0. First up: Derrick Moore, a former NFL star now coaching at Georgia Tech. To prove he's still the man he used to be, Derrick gathers his former teammates for a football matchup against younger players. His team ultimately pulls off a win, but to hear a 40-year-old talk about how great it is to "grow old," well, I don't need that on my TV schedule. Full disclosure: I turned 40 last year, and the fact that 1988 wasn't five years ago, or ten years ago, but twenty years ago has a hard time settling into my brain. There are far more wrongly conceived shows on TV (see Secrets Talents of the Stars, below, canceled just one day after its premiere), but I can't watch something that's all about reminding me I'm 40, especially from a network devoted to preserving my happy memories of sitcoms gone by. Stick to the Fonzie biographies, TV Land. Aaaaaay!
What is this program? celebrity talent competition
When and where? premieres April 8, 10 p.m., on CBS
Who should watch this program? tabloid readers, Alzheimer's victims
So how is it? To illustrate how desperate the networks are for new reality programming, just take a look at CBS's contest between celebrities based on what they're not good at. Or, to be politically correct, based on their "secret talent." In the first episode, country music star Clint Black tries a set of standup comedy, which reminded me of why I don't go to open-mike nights anymore. Star Trek's George Takei goes Clint one better by belting out a country song ("On the Road Again"). One word: horrible. Love ya, George, but really. Olympic silver medalist Sasha Cohen fulfills a personal fantasy of mine by performing as a contortionist with the Shanghai Circus. Witnessing this petite ice skater putting her legs behind her head, on live TV no less, was well worth enduring an otherwise worthless hour. Finally, pop star Maya busts out tap-dance moves. Nicely choreographed, if you're into that sort of thing. Viewers vote their favorites via the web, and a grand champion will be proclaimed after the sixth week. Five more weeks to go, five more nights I'll have an hour free.
Who should watch this program? math majors, Miss Teen South Carolina
So how is it? What is it that makes the spectacle of watching beautiful girls struggle to answer simple textbook questions so perennially amusing? And watching self-proclaimed (as if they'd have to) nerds unable to muster a sense of style or social poise? Whatever it is, the CW's Beauty and the Geek has it to the nth degree. Initially designated this fifth season as "beauty versus geek," by the third episode the show pairs the teams boy-girl, as in seasons past, continuing the close-quarters chemistry that has made these matchups such appealing voyeurism. And, as before, the weekly challenges exploit the cast's respective weaknesses, from flag football to science fair, ultimately resulting in cumulative elimination. It's the same story told different ways, with different beauties and different geeks, but it's just as satisfying every time. As sure as their predecessors, these contestants are destined to reach the epiphany that a geeks' worth can be measured beyond his intellect and a beauty's worth beyond her boobs. Even with unhealthy affinities for sweater vests or Daisy Dukes.
When and where? premieres Oct. 7, 9 p.m., on Food Network
Who should watch this program? recipe collectors, omnivores
So how is it? Cooking competitions have come a long way since Betty Crocker bake-offs. In the wake of Fuji TV's Iron Chef, Bravo's Top Chef and Fox's Hell's Kitchen, Food Network is on the hunt for the next Iron Chef in, yes, The Next Iron Chef. After six weeks, one of the eight contestants, all accomplished chefs from restaurants across America, will be proclaimed the metallurgic master. Iron Chef originally debuted in Japan in 1993, pitting international cooking gurus against celebrity Japanese chefs. Each battle was based on one surprise ingredient, required as the foundation of appetizer, entree, and dessert. If the chefs were lucky, the ingredient was pumpkin. If not so lucky, it was sea urchin. Once the American version debuted, the rules, and the extremities, regressed to the point where Iron Chef turned into a culinary clone of America's Next Top Model. The first episode's trials include a speed test and a savory-dessert challenge: in 15 minutes, the chefs must de-bone a chicken, fillet a salmon, shuck clams and oysters, juice coconuts, slice paper-thin daikon, and French a rack of lamb; for dessert, they must incorporate the likes of bacon, tripe, and catfish into their final presentations. Commentator Alton Brown's elimination catch-phrase isn't exactly timeless ("You will not be the next Iron Chef, I'm sorry"), but the cutthroat competition (yes, there's blood) and impromptu creativity still make The Next Iron Chef addictive and irresistible. Like Cheetos!
When and where? premieres July 12, 8 p.m., on BBC America
Who should watch this program? aspiring restaurateurs, expletive lovers
So how is it? Gordon Ramsay is my favorite jerk. His intolerance for culinary ineptitude is exceeded only by his freewheeling use of the F-word. In Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, the kitchens in question are those of British restaurants whose clueless owners are on the verge of financial ruin. Ramsay spends one week on location identifying problems with the menu, the service, even the concept of the place, and attempts to correct what's gone wrong. It's not as easy as it sounds. One pub owner's addiction to kooky plates ("This one's like a fucking swimming pool for Barbie!") is hard to break, although Ramsay does, literally. Another chef proudly serves Ramsay his signature dish, a fillet steak kebab hanging from a hook, only to be told that it comes off like "a fucking donkey's dick swinging in front of my face." Ramsay isn't always abusive (he declares the publican's Yorkshire pudding "amazing"), but it's definitely more fun when he is. Each episode ends with Ramsay returning after a month to see if his edicts have held, and more often than not they haven't. Maybe that's why British food sucks. Stateside fans who only know Ramsay as the maestro of Hell's Kitchen may be pleased to learn he's bringing an American version of Kitchen Nightmares to Fox this fall. Fuck me!
Who should watch this program? private eyes, drug dealers
So how is it? Like an unlawful cross between Cops and The Brady Bunch, WE's reality doc Wife, Mom, Bounty Hunter trails a suburban Arizona mother whose professional life revolves around bullet-proof vests, pepper spray, and bail-bond jumpers. When not staking out meth-heads on the lam ("I know her," says a neighbor, "she looks like a skeleton"), brash blonde Sandra Scott tends to her typical American family: hubby, daughters, cats, chihuahuas, and guns. Unlike other so-called reality shows, Wife, Mom, Bounty Hunter actually feels real, probably because the premise is so far-fetched (did I mention hubby is also a licensed bounty hunter?). Hulk Hogan and Ozzy may play hardcore on TV, but the Scotts take it to the extreme.
Who should watch this program? demolition derbyists, new car shoppers
When and where? premieres March 13, 10 p.m., on Spike TV
So how is it? Imagine if America's Next Top Model pitted custom cars against each other instead of vain young hotties. That's Bullrun. In Spike TV's new reality series, twelve teams of auto racers compete to outrun each other on a trans-America trip by beating the time, and challenges, of their rivals. (Typical challenge: pulverize an array of light bulbs by way of hood-mounted spikes). The souped-up cars range from a Lamborghini to a Honda (a.k.a. "rice tuner") to a tricked-out Oldsmobile (Oldsmobile?). Hazards along the way include road debris, local police, and a complete misunderstanding of maps ("Is this the 2 West right here? We're in the wrong fucking place!"). Each team must decide if they want to travel the highway or "my way," a backroads journey that could save time or cost them hours (and countless roadkill). For a dizzying grand prize of $200,000, these racers endure in-car camera surveillance, auto-to-auto mocking, and unforgiving roads (one team saves themselves with the old tampon-in-the-radiator trick). "Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines!"
What is this program? modeling competition (for dogs)
When and where? premieres April 7, 9 p.m., on WE
Who should watch this program? dog walkers, shut-ins
So how is it? Who doesn't love cute? America's Cutest Anything should make great TV, but the honchos at WE ("Women's Entertainment") need to take a lesson from Animal Planet's annual frolic Puppy Bowl, an unbridled three hours of doggie play on air opposite the Super Bowl, on how to do cute right. The setup here is dog-eat-dog beauty pageant, with three rounds of eliminations until one lucky pup is declared cutest in their city. First up: Los Angeles. The contenders include an English bulldog, a teacup pomeranian, a German shepherd, a Brazilian mastiff, a mini schnauzer, and many more. In Round 1, ten puppies are selected; Round 2 is puppies at play (or not); and in Round 3 the puppies lick and paw all over the judges. The drag is Round 2, which comes across as "Stupid Pet Tricks" minus the tricks. ("I think the fatigue factor was huge in this round," says a judge in Phoenix. No kidding!) The playful petting in Round 3 is the most fun to watch, but the major drawback is that the judges are never shown articulating quite why they selected the winners. Kudos to WE for even making a show called America's Cutest Puppies, but I'd skip it and wait for America's Cutest Kittens.
When and where? premieres April 5, 10 p.m., on MTV
Who should watch this program? rappers, country bumpkins
So how is it? It's hard out here for a reality show star, as the Memphis boys in Three 6 Mafia discover when they journey to Hollywood to build on the success of their Oscar win (Best Song, Hustle & Flow). Juicy J, DJ Paul, and their assorted homies set up digs in Beverly Hills and, thanks to an obvious surplus of writers, proceed to gawk and awe like wide-eyed yokels up and down the Sunset Strip. Despite the scripting, it's kind of cute watching these badass rappers adjust to life in superficial L.A., like when they distribute fliers for a backyard barbecue to their well-heeled neighbors and only a kooky fat chick shows up ("You should slow down your music so people can understand what you're saying"). Ever wondered what The Beverly Hillbillies would be like if Jed Clampett were a rapper? Here's your answer.
Who should watch this program? aspiring models, dirty old men
So how is it? How many top models does America need? Apparently our dependence is more than on foreign oil, as the CW Network continues to drill for fashion plates in small towns, inner cities, and distant countries. The chosen ones in America's Next Top Model, "Cycle 8," once again live together in a multimillion-dollar L.A. mansion, where they compete in a series of photo shoots and modeling challenges, such as a thrift-store treasure hunt or a catwalk-off. And all the while they confess to the camera their innermost secrets and fears. Sounds hot, until you realize most of these girls are self-absorbed, feckless, and vindictive. Hostess with the mostess Tyra Banks comes across as both mentor and friend, but she's constantly outdone by her perennial sidekicks: swoon-inducing photographer Nigel Barker; sensible-for-a-woman-of-her-age Twiggy; outrageously gender-confused Miss J; and constantly exasperated photography director Jay Manuel, who, frankly, might feel more comfortable on Flip That House. My bet on this year's winner: Brittany. Congratulations! You're still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model!
