TV Delete

PITCHMEN

2009-03-25T05:11:00.000-07:00

What is this program? infomercial gurus gone wild

When and where? premieres April 15, 10 p.m., on Discovery Channel

Who should watch this program? insomniacs, Ron Popeil

So how is it? Got a Flowbee? A Magic Bullet? How about a George Foreman Grill? Whether you thank or blame TV infomercials for encouraging America's addiction to consumption, there's no denying we can't stop dialing 800 numbers to purchase the latest and greatest must-have-item-I-never-even-thought-about-until-I-saw-this-ad. But wait! There's more! Discovery Channel has turned these late-night, sitcom-sized commercials into a documentary series cum reality show, with ubiquitous infomercialmen Billy Mays and Anthony Sullivan on a quest to wrangle the next great invention. Despite their polished TV personas, these two squabble on set like mismatched frat brothers, whose frustration with each other is tempered both by mutual respect and all the cash they know their infomercials are about to make. (Where did I put my Ronco Rotisserie Grill? "Set it and forget it!") At first glance, Pitchmen might seem like just another behind-the-scenes production peek, but there's an underlying truth: selling this crap is hard work. Even if it's only for three easy payments of $19.95!

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HOW IT'S MADE

2009-02-09T02:33:00.000-08:00

What is this program? manufacturing explanations

When and where? Fridays, 6 & 9 p.m., on Science Channel

Who should watch this program? curious consumers, Industrial Revolutionists

So how is it? If you ever looked a can of creamed corn and wondered how they got those kernels in there, or looked at the label and wondered how they wrapped that can with a shiny image of the Jolly Green Giant, or even wondered how they made the toilet paper you'll eventually use to wipe that corn from your ass, Science Channel has all the answers. Unlike Food Network's Unwrapped, which similarly exposes production methods of everyday products, How It's Made goes beyond Twinkies and Spaghetti-O's to get to the real nuts and bolts of life. Speaking of nuts and bolts, those simple connectors that hold just about everything in the world together start out as steel wire rod, then get subjected to a furnace, a bath of sulfuric acid, a coating of phosphate, and hot/cold-forging before becoming the tiny wonders we all know and love. Windshield wipers? Baseball gloves? Violins? Their origins are all here, and trust me you haven't lived until you've seen a lava flow of Dijon mustard cascade into a vat. Toilet paper turns out to be mostly recycled newspapers and such, drenched into a wet pulp resembling cottage cheese, bleached with chemicals, spread on a screen and put through a dryer, emerging at 4000th of an inch thick before getting doubly spooled around cardboard tubes. Voila, two-ply! Once you've seen how convoluted these processes are, it's frankly mind-boggling you can get screws at the hardware store for pennies. Consider that the next time you covet a Prada purse. I think I know what I'm getting my wife for Valentine's Day.

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THE IT CROWD

2009-01-26T03:31:00.000-08:00

What is this program? British sitcom

When and where? third season premieres February 3, 11 p.m., on IFC

Who should watch this program? computer geeks, crafty Irish bastards

So how is it? I.T., that is, as in information technology. The computer guys at work. This should be funny, right? Imagine The Office taking place entirely in the cubicles of the technorati. Now forget that because this isn't it. Channel 4 sitcom The IT Crowd follows the wacky mishaps of three employees in the computer department of a U.K. corporation. The plots are often over-the-top enough, if you write them down on paper maybe, but the follow-through just isn't there. In one episode, after one of the tech guys gets bullied by thugs in the park, he returns to scare them off with a handgun. Ha-ha. That's it. In another, the guys try to come off manly by parroting lines from a website of Cockney-inflected phrases about sports, but end up as unwitting accomplices to armed robbery, ultimately avoiding the cops with an impromptu male-on-male kiss. That would be funny if it wasn't just so not. The real problem is that almost none of the humor has anything to do with the show's alleged premise: technology. Even Saturday Night Live's "Nick Burns, Your Company's Computer Guy" sketches spiked higher than this show on the geek laugh-o-meter, and those barely registered. The only time I've seen these guys do anything tech-related is in the third season opener when the boss asks them for help: to open his laptop. Cue laugh track!

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10 ITEMS OR LESS

2008-12-31T23:42:00.000-08:00

What is this program? grocery store sitcom

When and where? third season premieres January 6, 11 p.m., on TBS

Who should watch this program? improv actors, coupon clippers

So how is it? What's so funny about working at a grocery store? A lot, actually, if you work at Greens & Grains, the fictional setting of TBS's original comedy series 10 Items or Less. The show centers on ne'er-do-well Leslie (John Lehr), who upon the death of his father inherits ownership of a small-town food market staffed by a variety of oddballs. The shenanigans which ensue include a bagging competition against next-door rival Super Value Mart, pimping a wall stain that looks like Jesus, and late-night turkey bowling, a.k.a. tossing frozen birds down grocery aisles to knock down two-liter bottles of soda. Mostly unscripted, at least in terms of dialogue, the show relies on the actors' improv skills to fill out the plot, and the results are often beautifully odd. "It's like snaking a toilet," says Leslie, explaining Lasik surgery. "Except the toilet's your eyeball."

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SHATNER'S RAW NERVE

2008-11-26T03:43:00.000-08:00

What is this program? celebrity interviews

When and where? premieres December 2, 10 p.m., on Bio

Who should watch this program? psychology majors, Trekkies

So how is it? One part Inside the Actors Studio, two parts Frasier Crane, Shatner's Raw Nerve turns interrogation into surprisingly intimate conversation. Host William Shatner drills celebrities like Tim Allen, Judge Judy and Jenna Jameson on their personal troubles, everything from addiction to divorce, and what often starts off blandly Barbara Walters ("What makes you happy?") quickly turns biting ("Are you an addict?"). Yet the stars seem game to answer. Valerie Bertinelli confesses an unwillingness to forgive herself for her "sinful" youth (she's Catholic), while Jimmy Kimmel admits he wouldn't finish his nightly homework for ABC if he didn't have to. It's odd seeing Shatner in the role of psychotherapist, because for once it doesn't seem like he's acting. The erstwhile T.J. Hooker actually comes off as concerned. Calling Captain Kirk!

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THE IFC MEDIA PROJECT

2008-11-03T00:20:00.000-08:00

What is this program? anti-news news magazine

When and where? premieres November 18, 8 p.m., on IFC

Who should watch this program? political pundits, anarchists

So how is it? The war in Iraq is just one of the media manipulations dissected in The IFC Media Project, a six-part series that, according to the show's slogan, "reveals the truth behind the news." Not that the show claims major news outlets intentionally promoted a Bush-Cheney agenda by parroting Pentagon press releases, it's just that they just didn't ask any particularly crucial questions, like, why should I believe you? As outed CIA operative Valerie Plame notes, journalists and secret agents alike must consider why a source is giving them information: "Why is this person telling me this? What do they want from me?" And why does the media give so much attention to little white girls gone missing? You wouldn't know it from the nightly news or tabloid magazines, but plenty of other kids go missing too. "Truly interesting journalism is nuanced," says ex-Crossfire host Tucker Carlson. "Pol Pot had good points. I'm sure he was a witty conversationalist at dinner parties." In addition to having fun with quotes gone awry, the program includes recurring segments "The News Junkie" (a cartoon rant about idiocies like the suffix "-gate") and "The Media Encyclopedia" (explanations of such terms as allegedly: "a handy-dandy word you can put in front of any statement to magically make it true!").

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BATMAN: THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD

2008-10-30T02:16:00.000-07:00

What is this program? superhero cartoon

When and where? premieres November 14, 8 p.m., on Cartoon Network

Who should watch this program? tweenagers, 40-year-old virgins

So how is it? Thankfully rejecting the disturbed-sociopath persona of the Dark Knight era, Batman: The Brave and the Bold returns the Caped Crusader to his campy days as a cartoon crime-fighting do-gooder buckled with a belt of ridiculous utility and a buddy list of superheroes always on call to help. While nowhere as absurd as the Adam West TV show, this series isn't afraid to send Batman beyond the limits of Gotham City, even into outer space for intergalactic adventures the likes of which we haven't seen since Zan and Jayna joined the Superfriends. (Just don't ask too many questions, like how an alien species of blobby sentient amoebas can fire hand-held laser guns.) Partnering with Batman each episode is a different superhero from the DC Comics pantheon: Aquaman, Plastic Man, Red Tornado, Blue Beetle. None of whom would have likely held a kid's attention if they were given a series of their own, but teamed with Batman the action is too furious to fail. Who needs the Boy Wonder?

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LIVING WITH THE WOLFMAN

2008-10-21T04:46:00.000-07:00

What is this program? nature documentary

When and where? premieres October 21, 10 p.m., on Animal Planet

Who should watch this program? PETA members, Lon Chaney Jr.

So how is it? An oddball English couple throw themselves to the wolves, literally, in Animal Planet's documentary series Living With the Wolfman. Former teaching assistant Helen finds herself tending a pack of wolves at an animal park with her husband, Shaun, who has licked and sniffed his way into the wolf pack's trust. The series opens with Helen preparing to establish herself in the wolves' environs by eating what they eat: meat. Not just steak or bacon or sausage, although that helps. To ensure her ranking order, Helen must have organ meat on her breath. Kidneys, liver, heart. Apparently, wolves' sense of smell is 100,000 times more sensitive than humans, so she won't be fooling anyone by sneaking a piece of lemon drizzle cake. Worse, to become a surrogate nanny, she has to regurgitate food into the mouth of the pack's pregnant Alpha Female. Despite the gross-outs, Living With the Wolfman is not some Wild Kingdom affair littered with mauled zebras. It's the story of a couple who love animals, and each other, who go to extraordinary lengths to become part of the pack. At its heart, it's a story of harmony.

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CHOCOLATE NEWS

2008-10-15T01:54:00.000-07:00

What is this program? Afrocentric news parody

When and where? premieres October 15, 10:30 p.m., on Comedy Central

Who should watch this program? bleeding hearts, N.W.A

So how is it? Allegedly a parody of African-American pop culture, David Alan Grier's new sketch-comedy show is more sad than satire. While rapper Phat Man's "No Child Left Behind" PSA comes complete with slutty schoolgirl dancers shaking ass (get it? behind?), it's not so cute to hear him remark, "My second wife, I shot, I stabbed, I hit her with a brick." A bit about a 1932 black presidential candidate whose dismembered body gets dumped across several Southern states is simply tasteless. Some sketches work, like an obituary for the news team's sole white correspondent, who was continually sent to report on gang initiations, drug deals and race riots, as well as Grier's rant about the death of hip-hop ("When did 'Fight the power' become 'Wait till you see my dick'?"), but Chocolate News ultimately fails to deliver on its premise. An "N-Word Peace Treaty" doesn't satirize pop culture, it just demeans the progress of a nation of backward racist fools to a nation somewhat less foolish. What's next, women's lib jokes?

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SECRETS OF BODY LANGUAGE

2008-10-13T04:32:00.000-07:00

What is this program? nonverbal communication primer

When and where? premieres October 13, 9 p.m., on History Channel

Who should watch this program? presidential candidates, the unemployed

So how is it? Be careful where you put your hands. Despite what you actually say, your body language may give your secrets away. For starters, don't cover your crotch with your hat. Winston Churchill did it when he met with FDR and Joseph Stalin at a 1945 photo op, and body-language experts have been talking about his private parts ever since. Turns out 93 percent of human communication is nonverbal, according to this History Channel documentary. The science is predicated on "norming": asking what is normal, in this situation, and for this person? George W. Bush may be known for his wide-eyed, oh-well reactions to gaffes, but he also shakes Vladimir Putin's hand with an Alpha Male grab to the elbow. Body-language analysis may also explain why, at a Watergate-era news conference, Richard Nixon touched himself (on his wrists, you pervs), although no definitive conclusions are drawn from Britney Spears' shaving her head. Beyond its analysis of politicians and celebrities, Secrets of Body Language adds hidden-camera experiments (which car salesman can you trust?) and ride-alongs with law enforcement, delivering a semester's worth of sociology in under 90 minutes. Poker players looking for tells, start here.

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THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM

2008-09-30T02:25:00.000-07:00

What is this program? dysfunctional sitcom

When and where? Thursdays, 10:30 p.m., on Comedy Central

Who should watch this program? crack addicts, rapists

So how is it? Potty-mouthed comedian Sarah Silverman returns to Comedy Central for a second season of her self-titled/self-absorbed sitcom, and the results are spectacularly craptastic. Despite the delights of last year's debut, which shocked and awed via Silverman's character's clueless affronts to every conceivable ethnicity and demographic, the latest episodes of The Sarah Silverman Program fail to deliver much offense at all. In "The Mongolian Beef," Silverman accuses Mongolians of raping her great-great-grandmother, then sues the entire country. Mongolia? Really? So you're all out of Sri Lankans to offend? In "High, It's Sarah," Silverman sends voicemails to herself while she's stoned, ultimately ending up at a megacorporation headquarters in prom attire, not quite remembering why she kidnapped the CEO. While the pot humor clicks, everything else falls tragically short of the first season's potential. Can we get the gay stoner neighbor dudes a show?

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ARCHITECTURE SCHOOL

2008-08-20T17:38:00.000-07:00

What is this program? home design documentary

When and where? premieres August 20, 9 p.m., on Sundance Channel

Who should watch this program? architects, college dropouts

So how is it? What's more boring than architecture? College students talking about architecture. Why anyone thought this was a golden concept for a TV series is beyond me, but Sundance Channel did it anyway with Architecture School. This six-part, half-hour program follows Tulane University students competing to win a design challenge for a home to be built in a Katrina-ravaged neighborhood of New Orleans. They make models, sketches, plans, and we get to hear them enthuse over their designs in a weary way only architecture students can. Their excitement is almost palpable, but not really. If you've got a jones to watch a house get built, stick with Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

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SAMANTHA BROWN: PASSPORT TO CHINA

2008-07-27T22:48:00.000-07:00

What is this program? travel tour

When and where? premieres July 28, 8 p.m., on Travel Channel

Who should watch this program? The China National Tourist Office

So how is it? Why go all the way to China for a clueless-tourist experience when Travel Channel can do it for you? Samantha Brown: Passport to China provides the ultimate tourist's-eye view of China, peeping landmarks like Tiananmen Square, the Forbidden City, and the Great Wall of China. The only problem is annoyingly enthusiastic host Samantha Brown. If she had brought something to the show other than her trademark giddiness, I might have stayed tuned past the first episode. But as always she reacts like a kid on Christmas morning every time she sees something new, such as Peking Duck. China should forget the Olympics and take a lesson on capitalism from this bloated nonsense. Go USA!

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ASHLEY PAIGE: BIKINI OR BUST

2008-07-10T02:03:00.000-07:00

What is this program? fashion documentary series

When and where? premieres July 11, 10 p.m., on TLC

Who should watch this program? voyeurs, fashionistas

So how is it? Ashley Paige's quick success as a bikini designer eventually led to financial failure due to her lack of business sense (hey, her mom said it, not me), and that is where this series begins. The drama of Ashley Paige: Bikini or Bust initially spins on Ashley's acceptance of a sudden invitation to debut her new line at L.A. Fashion Week -- with no money, no models, and no bikinis. Her staff pitches in to make it happen, despite Ashley's frequent mental meltdowns. Her bipolar personality and kooky rituals -- daily morning tarot cards, inspirational seances -- make her come off as something of a weirdo, but Ashley's designs are cute and her models are hot. How you doin'?

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SECRET DIARY OF A CALL GIRL

2008-06-09T03:13:00.000-07:00

What is this program? prostitution comedy

When and where? premieres June 16, 10:30 p.m., on Showtime

Who should watch this program? sex addicts, aspiring hookers

So how is it? Such high hopes I had for this new Showtime series. Call girl? Secrets? Bring it on! Supposedly a comedy, Secret Diary of a Call Girl, while stylish, lingers into boredom, even in scenes with blowjobs. Belle (Billie Piper, of Dr. Who) is a working girl in London, and her life as a whore finds her fit financially but empty emotionally. The series explores her travails as a hooker, from accompanying guys to swingers clubs to dealing with an overbearing madame. Belle frequently talks to the camera, but what she has to say tends to be redundant. It's like Harrison Ford narrating a porno Blade Runner. The show is based on Belle de Jour's memoir The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl and frankly I got more hard-ons from the book.

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COMIC BOOKS UNBOUND

2008-05-21T04:58:00.000-07:00

What is this program? superhero documentary

When and where? premieres June 10, 10 p.m., on Starz

Who should watch this program? Comicon attendees, Stan Lee

So how is it? Despite too many talking heads and not enough smash 'em action, Comic Books Unbound, the latest "Starz Inside" documentary, concisely illustrates the evolution of comic books from four-color panels to the Imax wide screen. While a bit pandering in its proclaiming comics "heroic literature," this program is a decent history of comic books' troubled maturation from pulp fiction to blockbuster films. Underground comics get their due as well, from Barbarella to Fritz the Cat (cartoon nudity before cartoon nudity was cool), although the commentary always tends to link back to the superhero stuff. Daniel Clowes' Ghost World gets a two-second reference, yet it's probably the greatest comic ever published. That is, after Fritz the Cat. It's kitty porn!

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NOT GOING OUT

2008-05-13T01:24:00.000-07:00

What is this program? British sitcom

When and where? premieres May 20, 8:40 p.m., on BBC America

Who should watch this program? Anglophiles, the hearing impaired

So how is it? Humor, they say, is a universal language (or is that music?), but don't tell the BBC. Comprehending what the actors are saying or what British cultural references they're making on Not Going Out, the latest sitcom to debut on BBC America, is half the time impossible. Still, the punch lines I do catch are pretty hilarious. Thank God at least one cast member is American. The setup: Lee (the joking slacker, a sort of British "Chandler Bing") moves in with Kate (a Californian he trades barbs with over national stereotypes), whose ex-boyfriend Tim (the stuffy straight man) is Lee's best friend. Here's Tim telling Lee how he would pick up a girl in Lee's style: "Hello, miss," he begins. Lee interrupts, "Hello, miss? Who are you chatting up, Penelope Keith?" Let me just say, I don't like jokes that require Wikipedia. But the punch lines come rapid-fire, and the intent is clear even when the reference isn't. (The laugh track helps.) Here's Kate coaching Lee on being her fake boyfriend: "Can't you just pretend to be a little bit more romantic?" "I can't just turn it on like a tap." "Force it!" "All right, I can't just turn it on like a faucet." With an English accent it kills, trust me.

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THIS AMERICAN LIFE

2008-04-27T03:41:00.000-07:00

What is this program? NPR documentary series

When and where? premieres May 4, 10 p.m., on Showtime

Who should watch this program? public radio fans, conscientious objectors

So how is it? This American Life slices up life in the United States unlike any other show on television. Of course, most American TV shows depict our fellow citizens as either wannabe pop idols or island survivors, so perhaps that's not saying much. In the opener to season two of Showtime's take on his National Public Radio reports, intrepid documentarian Ira Glass visits Mike, a young man with spinal muscular atrophy, a degenerative condition that has over time taken away his mobility, his gesturing, and ultimately his voice. But not quite. When Glass asks him what celebrity voice he would choose as his own, he slowly types, "Johnny Depp or Edward Norton. Whoever is available." And then is heard the voice of Depp reciting Mike's e-mails. While the harsh reality of Mike's situation may seem far removed from the typical teen experience, in many ways it's the same. He has a girlfriend who cares for him, literally. They have sex, of a unique sort. They break up. It's no wonder he has his fingernails painted black. He's angsty, and if anyone has the right to question life, the universe, and everything, it's him. This episode also includes a prologue about urban cowboys. Black inner-city cowboys, for the record. Next up: "Ask an Iraqi!"

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LIFE'S A TRIP

2008-04-17T03:37:00.000-07:00

What is this program? international travelogue

When and where? premieres May 5, 11 p.m., on Travel Channel

Who should watch this program? foreign relations majors, Hello Kitty enthusiasts

So how is it? Want to know what the world's best steak tastes like? Just go to Japan. That's what Andrew Anthony, host of Travel Channel's Life's a Trip, did to find the most perfectly marbled Kobe beef. As Anthony voyages across the globe, from Tokyo to Cuba to Dubai to Iceland to Los Angeles, his trips' detours prove even more delicious. In Akihabara, the electronics district of Tokyo, Anthony makes a stop at a "maid cafe," where Japanese servers, dressed as coy French maids, play children's games with the clientele. Anthony's take: "My first thought of the maid cafe: What the f*ck is this?" Life's a Trip's analysis of odd Japanese food culture (plastic ramen, beer vending machines) is both amusing and accurate, and hopefully in episodes to come the show continues its irreverence. The other white meat? It's Kobe beef!

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THE BIG 4-0

2008-04-15T02:16:00.000-07:00

What is this program? birthday documentary

When and where? premieres April 16, 10 p.m., on TV Land

Who should watch this program? Flock of Seagulls groupies, mocking teenagers

So how is it? TV Land, the nostalgia network for television babies like me, explores the lives of people about to turn 40 in its new series The Big 4-0. First up: Derrick Moore, a former NFL star now coaching at Georgia Tech. To prove he's still the man he used to be, Derrick gathers his former teammates for a football matchup against younger players. His team ultimately pulls off a win, but to hear a 40-year-old talk about how great it is to "grow old," well, I don't need that on my TV schedule. Full disclosure: I turned 40 last year, and the fact that 1988 wasn't five years ago, or ten years ago, but twenty years ago has a hard time settling into my brain. There are far more wrongly conceived shows on TV (see Secrets Talents of the Stars, below, canceled just one day after its premiere), but I can't watch something that's all about reminding me I'm 40, especially from a network devoted to preserving my happy memories of sitcoms gone by. Stick to the Fonzie biographies, TV Land. Aaaaaay!

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SECRET TALENTS OF THE STARS

2008-04-09T01:25:00.000-07:00

What is this program? celebrity talent competition

When and where? premieres April 8, 10 p.m., on CBS

Who should watch this program? tabloid readers, Alzheimer's victims

So how is it? To illustrate how desperate the networks are for new reality programming, just take a look at CBS's contest between celebrities based on what they're not good at. Or, to be politically correct, based on their "secret talent." In the first episode, country music star Clint Black tries a set of standup comedy, which reminded me of why I don't go to open-mike nights anymore. Star Trek's George Takei goes Clint one better by belting out a country song ("On the Road Again"). One word: horrible. Love ya, George, but really. Olympic silver medalist Sasha Cohen fulfills a personal fantasy of mine by performing as a contortionist with the Shanghai Circus. Witnessing this petite ice skater putting her legs behind her head, on live TV no less, was well worth enduring an otherwise worthless hour. Finally, pop star Maya busts out tap-dance moves. Nicely choreographed, if you're into that sort of thing. Viewers vote their favorites via the web, and a grand champion will be proclaimed after the sixth week. Five more weeks to go, five more nights I'll have an hour free.

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WHAT FEMALES WANT AND MALES WILL DO

2008-04-06T01:49:00.000-07:00

What is this program? wildlife documentary

When and where? premieres April 6 & 13, 8 p.m., on PBS

Who should watch this program? jilted lovers, people who like watching animals have sex

So how is it? Think the dating game is just a human thing? Think again. This two-part Nature documentary studies the mating habits of animals, specifically what females of various species look for in a mate, and what males are willing to offer up in order to get laid. Take the male sage grouse. This chicken-like prairie bird puffs up its vocal sacs and shakes its tail feathers to create a choreographed mating song not unlike the Roxbury Guys bopping their heads to the beat of "What Is Love?" Some animals don't even have to try so hard. Red foxes are apparently among the sluttiest of species, with 80 percent of offspring the result of females sleeping around (as determined by DNA testing). The program's not-so-shocking conclusion: cheating on your partner is as prevalent among animals as it is among humans. It's all about continually seeking a better mate, reproducing with a mix of awesomer genes. So, girls, forgive your guys. They can't help banging a chick hotter than you are, because, well, she's hotter than you are. Forget science class, this show should be required viewing for couples therapy.

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A LYON IN THE KITCHEN

2008-04-02T22:34:00.000-07:00

What is this program? cooking show

When and where? Mondays and Wednesdays, 1 p.m., on Discovery Health

Who should watch this program? hippies, fat bastards

So how is it? Nathan Lyon is all about fresh. Fresh produce, fresh meat, he even looks freshly showered. The always smiling, always bald host of A Lyon in the Kitchen whips up dishes I can personally attest are delicious. Unlike recipes I've tried by other TV chefs, Nathan's have come out perfect every time. My favorite so far: spinach salad with honey and apples. A typical episode opens with a segment on location at an organic farm, or a cheese shop, or a fish market. Nathan returns to the studio with his item of the day (like the curious concoction burrata, a ball of mozzarella and cream encased in fresh mozzarella) and in mere minutes creates a healthful, craveable delight. This is my favorite cooking show on TV right now, and that's saying something considering the ubiquity of the likes of Rachael Ray and Emeril Lagasse. Not that I would ever attempt to re-create Emeril's bam!tastic monstrosities, but I have enjoyed success with Ms. Ray's recipes. If only A Lyon in the Kitchen weren't on such a throwaway network as Discovery Health (the show also occasionally appears on FitTV, whatever that is). I fear for its sudden demise because it's the only cooking show that always appeals to my better nature. Paula Deen makes me crave chicken fried steak with country gravy, and that's not a "good thing." (To quote Martha.)

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BEAUTY AND THE GEEK

2008-03-26T02:51:00.000-07:00

What is this program? deb versus dork competition

When and where? Tuesdays, 8 p.m., on the CW

Who should watch this program? math majors, Miss Teen South Carolina

So how is it? What is it that makes the spectacle of watching beautiful girls struggle to answer simple textbook questions so perennially amusing? And watching self-proclaimed (as if they'd have to) nerds unable to muster a sense of style or social poise? Whatever it is, the CW's Beauty and the Geek has it to the nth degree. Initially designated this fifth season as "beauty versus geek," by the third episode the show pairs the teams boy-girl, as in seasons past, continuing the close-quarters chemistry that has made these matchups such appealing voyeurism. And, as before, the weekly challenges exploit the cast's respective weaknesses, from flag football to science fair, ultimately resulting in cumulative elimination. It's the same story told different ways, with different beauties and different geeks, but it's just as satisfying every time. As sure as their predecessors, these contestants are destined to reach the epiphany that a geeks' worth can be measured beyond his intellect and a beauty's worth beyond her boobs. Even with unhealthy affinities for sweater vests or Daisy Dukes.

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SUPREME COURT OF COMEDY

2008-02-29T23:16:00.000-08:00

What is this program? improvised small-claims court

When and where? premieres March 3, on DirecTV's The 101

Who should watch this program? nobody

So how is it? Nice try, DirecTV, but this half-hour improv series letting comedians argue actual small-claims court cases delivers almost no laughs. The proceedings, taped at Hollywood comedy club The Laugh Factory, are presided over by "Judge" Dom Irrera, whose running gag is to find himself in contempt for making inappropriate remarks. Some of the comics get off a good line here and there (Tom Arnold on a stolen sex tape: "If we don't see tits, you must acquit!"), but it's far too rare to justify watching an entire show. Even the minute-long "Quickie Case" at the end of each episode, when a plaintiff and a defendant make their case directly to the judge, manages to prolong the humorlessness. Everyone looks like they're having a blast, but this format just doesn't work. If the comedians were defending, say, accused murderers, it might be fun to watch. But that's probably beyond DirecTV's legal jurisdiction. The verdict? Cancelled!

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